There are moments where being seen
feels heavier than it should.
There are moments where
the absolute inability to just be
tightens
until there is no space left…
How much of it is about feeling threatened,
I don’t know.
Why some people feel easy,
and others feel impossible.
Why I can exist freely in certain spaces —
and in others, feel completely exposed.
As if whatever I am experiencing internally
is somehow visible to everyone around me.
As if even the invisible things
can be seen and judged.
Never a moment of just being.
Always something people might notice.
To correct.
To criticise.
My laugh.
My voice.
My body.
The way I move.
The way I exist.
Moments where the
absolute inability to just be
tightens
until there is no space left
Every detail under a magnifying glass —
visible and exposed.
The closer I walk to the wall,
the less likely I am to be seen.
If I can position myself just right —
behind something, next to something —
I can disappear a little.
My entire being desperate
to shrink into itself and disappear —
while at the same time thoughts escalate,
intensifying within me
until the pressure becomes so immense
there is no capacity left to contain it.
My entire being desperate
to shrink into itself
and disappear
Rather disappear into the group
than be recognised as different from it.
Or shape how I am perceived —
becoming someone defined by context,
rather than standing alone.
Because being alone means being seen.
And being seen means
there is nowhere to hide.
At times
it is quieter.
Less convincing.
At others,
it is not.
And alongside it,
there is still
a life being lived.
Not perfectly.
Not always comfortably.
But still, steadily,
moving forward.